Art Of Performance

Art of Performance
It has disrupted my life and relations to the point I feel I am sick with persistent anxiety. Yes, most of you might say: Oh, I haven’t seen them for a few days, weeks, months, or maybe it is a year or two now. It is mostly a two-way street of leaving and coming back. But with me it has turned to be a one-way street, one without return. I have been living on the borderline but I can’t cross it. To give you an idea, I left relatively early and it is more than thirty years now. I even stopped counting years and started thinking in decades. Yes, I haven’t seen them that long, no, not one decade or two but more than three.

Finding excuses is important to have a quiet conscience. Still there is always something which makes me feel guilty. Now I have to give up excuses and plead guilty, for the situation has changed and poor excuses can’t be made. Yes, a heavy burden was removed for a moment and you can’t imagine how much I was relieved when I was told I am not the only one who won’t be there when the First Two die.

The Second Two who fill me with loathing are the employer and the landlord for fear of being evaluated negatively. In fact I have always sought perfection despite the numerous compromises I have made. It is indeed the eye which enslaves me in perfection and destruction. It provides a beautiful sight and I am caught in its web. Yet at times I end up in fear and trembling and it leaves a trail of destruction that lasts lifelong. All of them then go quiet and look at me. But I hate feeling trapped. With my own two eyes I feel deep love and intense fear with muscle twitches in my face that perpetuates the suffering. It is a never ending hide and seek.

The Third Two are big compromises you might not agree to and I need to rationalise in order to feel comfortable. When rationalising I say it is better never to attain perfection or complete satisfaction for I never know what is it or what comes next once they have been achieved. Thus I have come to be a master of hiding whether I get a real hiding or give someone a good hiding.

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