Identity

Identity

But me, I have always suffered from it. People say it is important because it is part of being human. Scientists say you can’t live without it. But me, I want to get rid of it or at least the prominent part of it. To me, it is a drag. It is a stumbling block in my way. I remember I often fell down till I was torn to pieces of different shapes and sizes never to be restored. You might say wait a minute the moment you say “I” or “me” you give yourself an identity. This is true at least partly biologically. But don’t you forget the moment you say “I” or “me” you know quite well that at least two people were at work. They in turn had been created by four. If you go up the ladder the number will increase exponentially and you will soon reach astronomical dizzy heights because you don’t know how far you can go back and how many creatures were involved. In addition you are a copy of the copies and each copy is fainter or more distorted than the one before till one day everything is blurred completely. Furthermore, environmental factors are like wind and rain capable of changing or weakening even the genetic code.

With me, it all started from early on, in the childhood, I suppose I was not older than six. I wished I were a foundling without identity. I couldn’t belong to the family I was told I was born into let alone to the people and the land supposed to by part of my nationality. Yet, I was sometimes even fanatic about being a defendant of that identity. But I never stopped believing I am an outsider. I knew I couldn’t belong to them for ever. I have kept in touch but from a distance. This is where I feel most comfortable. The modern technology makes it possible but shortens the distance which makes me ill at ease. The moment I realized it can be taken off or changed I felt free somehow but it often comes back incomplete or keeps changing like a chameleon. I will be damned if I wear a garment all my life. No, I would like to try on as many as possible. If slavery doesn’t exist any more why should I be a slave to the family, religion and language I was enslaved in first? Anyway the last two have been the cause of human pride, suffering and conflict for a long time now. Patriotism, nationalism and fanaticism come from those abominable identities. But who are you? People ask. I wonder whether I can define myself by name, ethnic origin, language or profession. No, I am now no body or at most some body not subject to dictation any more. Still I am in a dilemma because I feel fanatic about identity in the things I have some choice in doing. Some of them started very early and haven’t changed so far and I think they will always be part of me as long as possible. What I drink, eat, love, smoke, wear, speak, read and write no matter where they come from give me the energy to survive. Actually the list is longer than that and some of them might change again with the passage of time

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