Initiation

I somehow felt it. I could see it in her face she was keeping a secret. Yes, my mother was harbouring some mysterious secret which on the one hand you can’t tell anybody but on the other hand you can’t keep it to yourself because it keeps tormenting you all your life. I mean I felt it but of course you can’t go even to your mother and say: Mother, I have the feeling you have some terrible secret, go ahead tell me what it is. After all I was just a teenager and she wouldn’t take me seriously. You can’t do that. At least I couldn’t.

Suddenly one day she let me in on her secret without even my asking. She looked at me very seriously but was visibly embarrassed and shaken. This is how I was initiated, my first initiation:
Before you were born your father used to invite some people to dinner. One day a man who he had often invited came to me when your father was at work and said: I love you that’s why I came to see you - come to me let me …... My mother said she threw him out and threatened to tell my father if he didn’t go away. Then she continued saying: After that whenever your father invited him he lowered his head and couldn’t look into my eyes. I just looked at her more embarrassingly. I remember I was lost for words, kept both quiet and her secret.

But it must have been more serious than that for it looked like a heavy burden on her. I was even angry with her for I felt it was only half-truth. My mind started bombarding me with questions: Why couldn’t she tell me the whole story? I can’t understand why from all my brothers her choice fell on me. What was it she wanted to say? A little bit later she increased the burden on me. She told me in secret: I love you more than your brothers. I have to say I wasn’t at all pleased with that. Look, it is unfair. A mother is supposed to love all her children equally. I know I was different both physically and mentally but I was her second son only. She should have told it to my elder brother or to my father. Mothers are unpredictable indeed.

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