Shivering Fit

From time to time it comes back. Something which sends a shudder through my body and soul and I get a violent shivering fit. I even notice how I lose weight in minutes. It tells me I have come short again. I then find myself in a never ending competition and showing off. How can I rest and stop it if I lose control and find myself at its mercy?

I was an intermediate and I always heard the same thing: They want you to have it better than they did. They would be proud of you when you’re a doctor or an engineer. You will lead a prosperous life. Are you blind? Don’t you see everybody wants to be a doctor or an engineer? Always marry up, not down. You would then live in a big house with a big garden and a beautiful, intelligent wife who is a doctor too. They are always waiting to see my picture with my wife next to my expensive car in front of my villa.

I knew I was not interested or talented. I wanted to give up but when the neighbours came for a visit the head of the family started: you certainly go for medicine. I thought he said it ironically for there was an ironic smile on his face. But I knew he would lose all his smiles the moment I made it. I also knew I would soon lose interest in everything the moment they were achieved. Once I used to count them one by one. Lo and behold how lucky my broken achievements were when they smashed to pieces.

The picture is still vivid in my mind. But when I start painting the old shivering fits come back mercilessly. I begin losing weight in seconds and turn pale in the face. My heart starts beating fast and I collapse. For no apparent reason I stopped driving but wait a minute what would people say if they found out? People, people, people…. Some disappear when they die but some stay even after death.

Jamshid
Bremen, 20 July 2007

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